By paqnation (aka Chris): Living in Detention

This is from a 14-page handwritten apology letter I sent to my childhood best friend about a week prior to finding un-Denial. It had been my new year’s resolution every year for the last 20 years. Michael Dowd inspired me to finally go through with it. I’m only including the end portion because that’s the part that pertains to the doomasphere. It’s my Dowd overshoot journey knowledge up to that point. Hopefully it has some entertainment value for you guys.

Hey Jeff, it’s now 2024. I wrote most of that back in 2018. Haven’t read it in a while. Reminds me how close to the edge I was. And the memory lane bit got me teary eyed again.

I had a near death experience (NDE) couple years ago. It was my heart. And it instantly changed my life. It made me start researching other NDE’s, and then researching death itself, which led to learning a lot about indigenous people as well as human history. Which eventually had me thirsty for knowledge on what it all means, who are we and why are we here, meaning of life, all that fun stuff, which eventually led me to God.

My God is ecology, nature, the environment, the biosphere, Gaia, Mother Earth (or whatever you want to call it). Over 97% (300,000 years) of homo sapien humanity we lived in right relationship to reality. Which means we lived the same way as every other species on this planet. Get food, make shelter, and raise a family. Life centered, eco-centric, and animistic. Sustainable and faithful to the past and future. “We belong to the land” (measuring wealth by how good the soil is doing, and the mountains, rivers, forests, oceans, other species, etc).

It’s only the last 3% (10,000 years) that humans have turned those life centered worldviews into a human supremacy or anthropocentric worldview. Unsustainable and unfaithful to the past and future. “The land belongs to us” (measuring wealth by how good the kings, or individuals or groups of individuals (corporations) are doing, GDP, or how much money is in your bank account). This quote pretty much sums it all up: “Forests precede civilizations, and deserts follow them”

This shift from life centered worldviews to human supremacy worldviews is the fundamental point where it all started to go wrong. It’s very complex and I’m still soaking up knowledge to try and make more sense of it. But here’s an excellent bit I heard on a podcast a while back. The themes of “technology is a trap” and “it only takes one” can really start to be understood:

“Many historians believe the invention of the plow killed animism, which was nearly universal prior to the plow. I can be a hunter and kill a buffalo while still being animistic. I can pray to the spirit of the buffalo, cry when I kill it, take no more buffalo than I need and use it all well, and then say I am eating you and when we die, and get buried, we will become grass that your great grandchildren will eat and we’re part of this great cycle of life. But I cannot breed a buffalo into an ox, yoke it, cut its testicles off, bind its horns, and beat it all day long, and be animistic and still respect the spirit of the buffalo. At that point I have to say its just a dumb fucking animal that is here for us and man’s dominion over earth.”

“Technology that is highly advantageous to use, is obligate. Meaning you dont get to not use it and still make it thru history. Someone else will use the plow. They’ll grow their population because of the massive caloric increase. They will make it thru the famines. If we dont use it, then our tribe will get killed by them and or die in the famine. So even if I dont want to use it, I have to. And If I dont, then I dont make it thru history. The technology then codes a pattern of human behavior – instead of hunting-gathering, now I am beating an animal all day. This codes a pattern of values in the human psyche. Which eventually codes the entire culture.” – Daniel Schmachtenberger

I’ve come to realize the big question of “what is the purpose of life?”. The simplicity of it kind of feels like when you find out how a magician did his magic trick. But in this case, it’s not a letdown. The purpose of life is for life to thrive. Period! Pretty simple. Not some complicated grand scheme or the very human supreme notion of “what’s my purpose here”. And not just humans thriving, but all life thriving. And to accomplish that, it’s all about living in right relationship to reality. And obviously the last 3% of human history has done everything to undo that. When religion shifted from God being mother earth to God being some other worldly figure outside of our biosphere, it was game over. Agriculture and organized religion go hand in hand. So agriculture & its technology are the cause of our shifting worldviews. Organized religion is busy pushing God away from earth and up into the skies, so that humans can more easily continue the self-induced destruction of our planet (that agriculture/technology guarantees). Lately I’ve been reading about how in life centered cultures, religion (if done correctly) is the control mechanism to keep us humans in check. And with human centered cultures, religion is downgraded to a coping mechanism. This makes a lot of sense to me.

I don’t obsess about suicide as much anymore. I’ve slowly started the process of trying to forgive myself for all of the people I hurt. As well as forgiving the people who’ve hurt me. Easier said than done, for sure. But this road to forgiveness started for me while studying human history and realizing how much we humans have lost our way (culture, relationships, values, our stories). We fell off the path and are now just a bunch of confused apes going down this ecocidal capitalist nightmare that started a few thousand years ago. And then ridiculously amped up in the last couple hundred years because of the one-time gift/curse of fossil hydrocarbons, which are god-like because of the energy amounts they produce (compared to the only previous energy sources we had for all of our existence; muscle and firewood).

We never stood a chance. Think about it, while american colonialism was building this new stolen land via slavery (kidnapping and torture) and finishing the genocide of the Indigenous (the only true wisdom left in the world) they were also simultaneously discovering this god-like energy stuff. Discovered, extracted, and depleted in a quick 300-year bender at a time where our species had tons of intelligence and zero wisdom. Holy shit! That is some incredibly bad timing/luck for humanity. To sum it up: Native Americans lived on this land for 35,000 years. Modern man, western man, civilized man (which is all just code for white man) will not even make it 500 years on this same land. (year 1607 being the starting point – first successful settlement by the english)

Because just like every human centered civilization before us, we too are collapsing. The reason is always the same: ecological overshoot of carrying capacity. Except now, because of industrial civilization and globalization, most every living thing (humans, animals, fish, insects, plants, trees, etc) will perish. But as bleak as that may sound, it is definitely a good thing. When Mother Earth finally heals from humanity’s destructive ways, the next batch of life will be able to continue the purpose of life – to thrive. At least until another species comes along with that dangerous combination of high intelligence / low wisdom and discovers fossil energy. But that won’t be possible for hundreds of millions of years. That is how sacred and precious these fossil hydrocarbons are. Between the insane amount of creation time and the colossal amounts of energy they produce, it’s easy to understand why people use the word “god-like” when describing them.

And when you look at what humans do with this sacred stuff, it’s very easy to teeter between the extremes of sobbing uncontrollably and laughing hysterically. Worldwide, we use over 100 million barrels of oil every single day to keep this evil, phony, materialistic, human supremacy machine called civilization, running. Destroying mother earth and her children every step of the way. One of my favorite quotes that encapsulates this is:

‘Humanity today is like a waking dreamer, caught between the fantasies of sleep and the chaos of the real world. The mind seeks but cannot find the precise place and hour. We have created a Star Wars civilization, with Stone Age emotions, Medieval institutions, and Godlike technology. We thrash about. We are terribly confused by the mere fact of our existence, and a danger to ourselves and to the rest of life.’ – E.O. Wilson

Sorry to preach so much. I know I sound like some jerk who thinks he has it all figured out. But I doubt I know even one percent of the whole picture. And I certainly do not mean to dismiss other god’s or people’s belief. It’s just that my whole life, I never believed in any type of god or creator. Just thought life was some random chemical accident. But through my human history journey, the farther I go back, the more of a spiritual tone it takes, with no assistance required. And now this is what I truly believe in my heart. And while Mother Earth is our creator, sustainer, and end, I definitely do not believe it ends there. The universe is way too big. And because of my NDE, I know there is something beyond death and I look forward to that journey when the time comes. And I’m sure my notion of God will change after I’m no longer on this planet. My only desire in this life is to be on the side of good more than evil. Which seems to be all about keeping my ego in check. Trying to live with more humility, moderation and connectedness. Its a constant struggle. Internet and technology have done a lot of damage to us. Just trying to be good, one day at a time, one moment at a time.

My journey has also made it very clear as to what is most important in life. Deep meaningful relationships – without a doubt. Which brings me back to why I’m finally reaching out to you. The human growth that would have been flourishing by now with me and you (that I robbed us of) is where the devastation lies. I want to apologize again for harming you and having such a negative impact in your life. And I want you to know that I know what an evil person I was for betraying you and never owning up to it. I so wish I could go back in time and make things right. 20 years best friends and now 20 years of me hiding from you. Goddamn!!! What a tragic waste. I’m so sorry Jeff.

I also want to thank you for being such a good friend to me. You were by far, the best friend I ever had. Nowadays, you still pop up in my dreams, but not nearly as much as you used to. And it’s usually always a positive experience. And I still think about you every single day. I don’t think that will ever change. If I never see or hear from you again in this lifetime, then I pray we meet up again and can be friends in the next voyage. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. Take care. And I promise I will not contact you again.

Love always,
Chris

Ok, what the hell did we just read? Well, first of all, the fact that I thought it was a good idea to bombard a normie with all that collapse knowledge is freaking hilarious. He’s a family guy with young teen kids so I’m sure I didn’t do him any favors.

I was such a Dowd clone. And no doubt Michael gave me a great education about overshoot/collapse. But because of teachers like him, Daniel Quinn, Charles Eisenstein, etc, (and of course the NDE), I was wrong about everything regarding humans (and life). Being that incorrect is also why I was carrying that colossal amount of guilt for what humanity has done. But that’s where you stay when you’re knee deep in the noble savage myth. That extremely tragic story where if a couple of things had worked out differently, we’d still be living sustainably like the wise native americans. Being stuck in that place can be dangerous. Like Michael Ruppert type dangerous.

It’s true that a strong case can be made that I was a kinder, better person then. But it revolves around a con job where the motivation stems from getting that ticket to the good place when you die. Plus, it goes back to the simple yet accurate idea of the less you know, the better chance you have of being a happy clueless moron.

Like I said earlier, I found un-Denial a few days after mailing the letter and that’s when my journey really kicked into hyperdrive. If I were to send that letter today it might look a little different LOL. Understanding that the sixth mass extinction has absolutely nothing to do with humans, culture, or falling off the path… and everything to do with how the Blob is programmed to operate, there’s a sense of clarity there (kinda like when I found this site and I started to understand why nobody, not even the geniuses, can understand this simple concept called overshoot).

And yes, of course I know that my nihilistic/absurdist outlook is dangerous also. The lack of meaning/purpose, the darkness, the void, has been the demise of many, I’m sure. But I can speak from experience, it’s a lighter shade of dangerous than the noble savage myth. Much easier to cope with the pointlessness of it all, than the relentless shame, regret, and guilt of it all.

I’m still far from Zen Master status. I have a major weakness with my anger. And my interest level (for anything) disappears for days sometimes. But my main complaint is that the removal of all hopium (especially the fun stuff like alien galactic wars, much more advanced modernity than ours) has me at an awareness level that makes the whole thing feel like I was sentenced, living in detention.

I’ve been talking in my sleep
I’ve been waking in my dreams
I’ve been living in the past
My good old faith is dead

P.S. In case you’re curious, I never heard back from Jeff. But that’s ok. The weight off my chest was worth it. Thank you Michael Dowd. I miss you!